Food and numbers and calories don’t really rule my life anymore, my self hatred does.
If I’ve been posting anything that’s triggering to any of you lately, I’m so sorry. The last thing I want is to make someone else’s situation worse. I’m struggling, I can’t keep denying it and I can’t sugarcoat everything to make it seem like I’m doing great in recovery. I’m not. I’m still here to support any of you and I thank you all for your support. Unfollow me if anything I say makes you feel uncomfortable, your recovery is much more important than reading about my frustrations.
It’s not about weight anymore. At least at my low weight I felt like my insides KIND OF matched my outsides. I felt dead on the inside and it was starting to show through. Now I look fine. I look healthy and everyone thinks I’m healthy when I’ve actually lost like 5 pounds this week and I’m still restricting. Not because I want to lose weight, but just the thought of looking alive scares the shit out of me because I obviously don’t want to deal with anything.
I’m always super paranoid that the food I’m eating really has more calories per serving than what the label says. For example, if I was taking granola that has oats, almonds, and craisins in it, the serving says it’s 90 calories for 1/4 cup. But what if I took more almonds and no craisins? Or what if I didn’t get any almonds? Are my calories really the same then? I get scared and always end up taking less of all of it than a serving.
I think too much about my food.
